Ahhhh!!!! Just when I thought the madness of this article had died down…I saw this come across my Twitter feed the other night:
“More black women single, church possibly to blame – Victoria Advocate http://ow.ly/1bKNUR”
Yes, yes, author Deborah Cooper wrote a blog post last year called “The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African-American Women Single and Lonely,” where she suggested that black Christian women should date non-Christians if we expect to beat the statistics that say black men are less likely to claim a religious affiliation than women. A couple months ago, I, along with several other panelists, was on a talk radio show with Cooper discussing her article. While I respect the woman and even many of the points made in her article, I had to keep in mind that Cooper is not a Christian and in no way, shape or form wants to be, and therefore does not understand the importance of being “yoked up” with someone of a similar faith.
But that’s beside the point. And that’s not what made me so angry at 3:45 am.
What ticked me off about this is 1) that we’re still talking about this article and 2) that people (not just Deborah Cooper) feel a need to place blame anywhere for singleness as if it’s some of kind of wretched disease!! While I know that her blog post was only written as a response to Christian women who wrote to her complaining about not having a man, I don’t blame the Black church or the White church or any other church for that matter for my singleness (I’ve got plenty of other issues to do that job 
. If I’m going to point a finger at anyone, I point a finger at society!! I blame society for making women believe that marriage is the end all and be all of life. I’m sure marriage is a great thing, it’s a gift from God. BUT SO IS SINGLENESS!!! For once can somebody just affirm that those of us who are single are normal human beings some of which — wait a minute, here’s a news flash…brace yourself — ARE HAPPY AND CONTENT! Uggg!!
Believe me, I know it’s hard out here and the dating pool is not very promising these days. I’m just sick of women putting our lives on hold while we wait for men to “complete” us, and I’m sick of society being the first one to start digging our marriage grave once we hit a certain age. Oh yes, I’ve heard it all before “What?? You’re in your 30s and you’re STILL not married? What’s wong with you?” “Oh, you poor thing. Don’t you worry. It’ll happen for one day for you too…Just keep hope alive.”
Yes, I’m in my 30′s–as a matter of fact I’ve got a birthday coming up which’ll officially put me into my late 30′s–and I settled a long time ago that whether I ever get married or not, MY LIFE WILL GO ON…In the words of Jill Scott “I’m living my life like it’s golden…,” and I think all too often singles idolize marriage, which can be dangerous. Marriage does not solve every problem, and it doesn’t necessarily make one less lonely. I know of several married people who’ve told me that as much as they love their spouse, they still feel alone at times and only God can fulfill that.
Furthermore, I feel like if you’re having troubles meeting saved black men at your church the first answer shouldn’t be to go find an unsaved black man. Why not open up your options and date outside your race? We all God’s children anyway…I’ve made that mistake before of overlooking a good, Christian man because of the color of his skin and trust me, I won’t do it again! If having a man is that serious, open yourself up to the possibility…
For real, ladies, let’s begin to embrace and affirm our worth, our value even now without the ring on our finger. One day I’ll post my thoughts about some of the other points made in Cooper’s article, but I just had to get that off my chest…
…end rant…
Please don’t date outside your race. I can’t find a nice white guy myself. Thanks! And don’t be mad at me! You just told everyone to date out of their race. Just so you know, that doesn’t neccessarly change things.
but hey, whoever you find, love him alot if you do find him, no matter what his race.
That is the beauty of being in the body of Christ-there is neither Jew nor Greek because all are one in the body of Christ. We can date of any race-at my church I constantly see white men with Arab women and white men with Chinese women or Mexican men with black women. It does not make a difference if you are both saved and one with the holy spirit.
In my own case, my dating life did not really start until I became a Christian. I spent years hating Christians and hating Christianity just like Ms. Cooper. I was a women’s liberation guru just like Ms. Cooper. One day, I looked in the mirror and suddenly realized that Jesus Christ died on the cross to save me from my sins. At that moment, I realized that if he died for me, then the least that I could do is die to self. I decided to surrender my whole life to Jesus Christ. This included my dating life. I thought that my dating life would end at that moment; however, God is full of surprises. I have received numerous marriage proposals and hundreds of conversations in which men would say, “you would make the perfect wife.” THis did not happen when I was a New Ager who hated Christians and Christianity. This did not happen when I was filled with anti-male feminist movement psycho-babble. It happened after I became a Christian and allowed the Lord to direct my path. This happened when I realized that as men submit to God, women should submit to men. The beauty of being a Christian is that you have a peace that is beyond human understanding whether you are married or not. Similar to Paul, I have learned to be content in all circumstances. I may not know what will happen tomorrow, but it is good to know the one who knows.
May the peace of God that comes from accepting Jesus Christ as your lord and savior be with you and your readers.
Lori
Just so y’all know, I was joking.