The Mystery of Singleness

For those of you who follow this blog, you probably know by now my thoughts about singleness. For the most part, I’m cool with it. I don’t say that to mean that I never want to get married. That would be nice…one day. But just as people place so much value in marriage, I think that society and the church should place that much value into singleness as well. As a matter of fact, in the Bible, Paul tells the Corinthians that it’s a good thing to stay single. Why we un-hitched folks like to skip that part of the Bible, I don’t know…:-)

But that being said, there are some things that plague me about this whole singleness thing. The older I get, the more painful it becomes to see my dear friends agonize over when God will send their mate. Some might say to tell them to just get over it, but I’ve seen the pain and defeat in their eyes and it’s devastating. And in those instances I can’t help but to wonder “God why won’t you fix this?? Just send them a mate, already.” It seems like it should be so simple for Him to do.

The other thing that plagues me is just how hard it is for all singles, but Christian singles in particular, to connect. Every Christian single I talk to has this same dilemma. They expect to find their mate in church. That seems logical, but no likely prospects are to be found. In the last 15 or so years since I’ve been a Christian, I’ve been a member of/attended 8 churches and for varying reasons, the number of single men was slim to none. Well, one church had a good number of single men but the church was so big that trying to find them and connect with them was an issue.

Sometimes it just seems like if God was so excited about Christian marriages, he could have made them a little bit more accessible, especially for people who really, really desire it–and for good reasons–not people who just want to get married to fulfill their lusts.

While I don’t know the answer to these questions, I do know that marriage is serious business. And I guess anything good worth having is worth waiting for. Yesterday I had the opportunity to hear two GREAT sermons about love, dating and marriage that I think everyone–but especially singles–should hear. The first message was from Buckhead Church and it was called “The New Rules for Love, Sex and Dating.” You can download that here. The second message was from my church, Restoration Church and it was called “Marriage is God’s Design.” You can download that here.

What blessed me so much about both messages, but especially the one at my church, was that it confirmed for me that I don’t want just any ole’ marriage. I’m looking to build. I’ve been in several relationships in the past that were broken off (whether by me or by the other party) because as right as it seemed on the surface, nothing good or of value was being built in the relationship. Although it hurt at the time, I couldn’t just settle for anything just so that I could walk down an aisle. Settling never works, so singleness is the time for, as Andy Stanley says, becoming “who the person you’re looking for is looking for” and sticking to standards. While I don’t know if this provides any consolation for my hurting friends, I believe it to be true. So I just continue to pray that God will heal hearts and draw hearts together in due time…

The Black Church Is Not Making Me Single!!

Ahhhh!!!! Just when I thought the madness of this article had died down…I saw this come across my Twitter feed the other night:

“More black women single, church possibly to blame – Victoria Advocate http://ow.ly/1bKNUR”

Yes, yes, author Deborah Cooper wrote a blog post last year called “The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African-American Women Single and Lonely,” where she suggested that black Christian women should date non-Christians if we expect to beat the statistics that say black men are less likely to claim a religious affiliation than women. A couple months ago, I, along with several other panelists, was on a talk radio show with Cooper discussing her article. While I respect the woman and even many of the points made in her article, I had to keep in mind that Cooper is not a Christian and in no way, shape or form wants to be, and therefore does not understand the importance of being “yoked up” with someone of a similar faith.

But that’s beside the point. And that’s not what made me so angry at 3:45 am.

What ticked me off about this is 1) that we’re still talking about this article and 2) that people (not just Deborah Cooper) feel a need to place blame anywhere for singleness as if it’s some of kind of wretched disease!! While I know that her blog post was only written as a response to Christian women who wrote to her complaining about not having a man, I don’t blame the Black church or the White church or any other church for that matter for my singleness (I’ve got plenty of other issues to do that job . If I’m going to point a finger at anyone, I point a finger at society!! I blame society for making women believe that marriage is the end all and be all of life. I’m sure marriage is a great thing, it’s a gift from God. BUT SO IS SINGLENESS!!! For once can somebody just affirm that those of us who are single are normal human beings some of which — wait a minute, here’s a news flash…brace yourself — ARE HAPPY AND CONTENT! Uggg!!

Believe me, I know it’s hard out here and the dating pool is not very promising these days. I’m just sick of women putting our lives on hold while we wait for men to “complete” us, and I’m sick of society being the first one to start digging our marriage grave once we hit a certain age. Oh yes, I’ve heard it all before “What?? You’re in your 30s and you’re STILL not married? What’s wong with you?” “Oh, you poor thing. Don’t you worry. It’ll happen for one day for you too…Just keep hope alive.”

Yes, I’m in my 30′s–as a matter of fact I’ve got a birthday coming up which’ll officially put me into my late 30′s–and I settled a long time ago that whether I ever get married or not, MY LIFE WILL GO ON…In the words of Jill Scott “I’m living my life like it’s golden…,” and I think all too often singles idolize marriage, which can be dangerous. Marriage does not solve every problem, and it doesn’t necessarily make one less lonely. I know of several married people who’ve told me that as much as they love their spouse, they still feel alone at times and only God can fulfill that.

Furthermore, I feel like if you’re having troubles meeting saved black men at your church the first answer shouldn’t be to go find an unsaved black man. Why not open up your options and date outside your race? We all God’s children anyway…I’ve made that mistake before of overlooking a good, Christian man because of the color of his skin and trust me, I won’t do it again! If having a man is that serious, open yourself up to the possibility…

For real, ladies, let’s begin to embrace and affirm our worth, our value even now without the ring on our finger.  One day I’ll post my thoughts about some of the other points made in Cooper’s article, but I just had to get that off my chest…

…end rant…

The Taboos Continue…

So things have been “crunk” the past couple of days in the blogosphere…it all started when my friend June posted this response to this blog post by a woman who boldly proclaimed that she’s saved, single and having sex. Now there’s a twist on the whole Saved, Single and Satisfied mantra! The post has caused quite a stir on both of their sites. I personally agree with many of her arguments, but I disagree with her conclusion. Some of the commentary has been a little disheartening to me to see Christians so vehemently discount the faith journey of another so quickly. Sometimes I think we fail to accept the fact that we’re really just sinners saved by a little thing called GRACE.

On a personal level, though, a positive from the situation is that sales for my film “Defining Moments” have increased (http://web.me.com/aspeaks/Site/DM.html . I made “Defining Moments” 4 years ago during a time when I was struggling through some of the same issues that the author of the blog addresses. My hope for that film has always been that it would spark discussion. And even though in this case it didn’t spark discussion, the blog did, I’m hoping that maybe it can help continue a conversation among women about how our faith and our sexuality intersect.

I’m hoping the same thing for “Something Worth Waiting For.” For some reason, sexuality is one thing that we refuse to talk about in the church. Maybe the blog will help open up that can  of worms…

Gimme THAT!

Yesterday my parents celebrated their 47th wedding anniversary. Woohoo! I admit there is a part of me that cringes at the thought of spending that amount of time in the same house and the same bed with one person (I love my “me” time ) But how wonderful must that be to actually spend that amount of time with someone that you not only love but someone that you actually like to hang out with? My parents have had their ups and downs but one thing I can say about them is that they really seem to enjoy being around each other. It’s very rare that you see one of my parents without the other. My grandparents were the same way, and they were married for over 70 years.

It’s hard enough to maintain a relationship that lasts throughout the years. That’s why I think it’s important for couples to be friends before lovers. While its good for spouses to each have their own identity, how can you have a strong, lasting relationship if you don’t even like each other? Seeing examples like this make me believe that it’s worth it to wait for the right companion. When I look at my parents and other couples in my life, it makes me say “I want that! And if I can’t have that, then I don’t want anything at all!” Singles, don’t be afraid to wait for what you want. Anything good is worth waiting for!

Screw It. We’ve Still Got a Movie to Make

I know it’s been a long time since we’ve been on here. Between my producer, Angela Harvey, and myself we’ve been through many life changes in the past few months that have caused us to slow down a little from promoting the film. But I believe it’s all good and it’s all in God’s timing because never have I felt so sure about the need for Something Worth Waiting For as I do now.

The past couple of weeks I’ve been reading Spike Lee’s book on the making of his first feature film “She’s Gotta Have It.” I love reading this kind of stuff because it inspires me to keep making movies “by any means necessary.” Spike’s attitude throughout everything that I’ve read so far is, Screw it. Regardless of what happens, I’m going to make this movie. I think you have to have that kind of attitude in order to be a filmmaker, because the odds are usually against you. It’s expensive as all get out, sometimes it can take forever to find the right cast, the right crew, and the right equipment. But ultimately you have to have the faith that the movie will get done no matter what. That was the attitude I had when I made my film “Sophisticated Romance.” And that’s the kind of attitude I have to have now with “Something Worth Waiting For.” The only thing now is finding the right balance between working hard to get it done and resting in God’s grace.

In the whole 10 years it’s taken me to write this script, I don’t think I’ve ever felt more clear about its intended message as I do now. I’m so sick and tired of seeing intelligent women settle for less just because they want to get married. We all make mistakes but at some point we as women have to believe within ourselves that we are, that our love is, indeed something worth waiting for. Marriage is great, I’m sure. But in the meantime, let God’s love and the love of family and friends, be enough. That’s a message I feel strongly about and a message I want to shout from the rooftops. It is really my prayer that God will make a way for me to make this film soon. I’m hoping we can strike up this dialogue surrounding singleness and the film once again.

Will you join us?

Second Chance for Love

Well, here we are–23 days into 2010.

As I look back not just on 2009 but on the past few years altogether, I realize that there are so many things I’d do differently. I often wish that God would give me another chance at some of those things so that I could redeem my foolish behavior. But the funny thing is that I think He does.

Everyday is a new opportunity to make up for something we failed to do in the past. If you failed to treat someone right in the past, God has given you another chance to love someone else today. If you made a wrong decision in the past, God has given you another chance to make a right one today. Everyday when I wake up in the morning, I say to God, “Thank you for another chance to do it over again.” We always have opportunities to do better. After all, in the words of Maya Angelou “When you know better, you do better.”

But do you ever think that there are some circumstances where you don’t get a second chance? Take love for example. When I think about past loves and likes, I can’t help but think about the ones I foolishly let slip away because of my own insecurities, misunderstandings or whatever I was lacking at the time. Sometimes what we’re looking for is sitting right up under our nose but we fail to see it because we’re too busy looking elsewhere–whether it be other people or other flaws that are really insignificant in the grand scheme of things. There are some loves and likes that I wish I could have second chance, but my chances have been taken by takers on the offer. So much for a second chance there. But at least those are still lessons learned for my next encounter with the opposite sex.

So what about you? Do you ever think about old loves? I know that the past is the past, but do you ever wonder what would have happened if you had confronted that secret crush? Or if you had never broke up with that amazing guy who had that one flaw that at the time seemed to be so major? What if you had a second chance with the one you let slip away?

An Update

This is just a little note to let you know we’re still out here. We’re still out here and stuff’s about to get hot! We are moving fast toward our goal of shooting the feature. The shooting of the promo piece went off without a hitch and we’re going to unveil it to you all on Valentine’s Day. Just our little Valentine to all the singles out there!

And in the spirit of continuing our discussion on singleness, marriage and attitudes toward each, I had a bit of an epiphany today. A friend of my family’s has had a rough go of it in her marriage. She was married young to a man who struggled with bipolar disorder. She eventually was divorced from him, but because she believes marriage to be for life, she’s hanging on to the idea that eventually they’ll be reconciled. She even still wears the ring set. That tenacity and sense of permanence that almost seem to hold her captive make my heart ache for her. But they also made me breathe a deep sigh of relief for potential life bullets I’ve dodged.

Societal pressure pushes a lot of people into bad partnerships. Sometimes they’re bad because they’re wrong pairings. Sometimes they’re bad because they come too early. But the point is, I felt that pressure to get married. I don’t really feel it anymore, but when I was in my 20s, it weighed down on me like a constant driving rain. And for all the scrapes my hard-headedness has gotten me into, a bad marriage is one fix it actually kept me out of. I know that my mother’s friend is in an extreme circumstance, but the fact is that any marital relationship fundamentally changes who a person is. Any intimate relationship at all does that on some level. I’m finally at a place in my life where I really like the girl I see in the mirror. And I’m happy about who she is.

I Can Do Good All By Myself

Last night I went out with a friend to a late showing of the film “I Can Do Bad All By Myself.” I left the theater last night feeling outraged. No offense to Mr. Perry, because this is an issue I see with many Hollywood films. But why is it that whenever we see a woman onscreen in a bad relationship the solution for her to get a better life is for her to fall into the arms of a better man? For the life of me I can’t understand why we rarely see the moment in time where a woman struggles to regain her sense of self–BY HERSELF, maybe with help from friends, family and God–finds her own peace and strength BEFORE the next man comes along. Or God forbid the woman doesn’t find a new man at all. She gets rid of the old one and lives a happy life by herself. It’s almost as if men always have to be the Savior before God. I think our culture has created this mindset that we as woman cannot be happy unless we have a man or unless we are married. And Hollywood perpetuates this false notion. It’s sad because I think there are many of us who are still putting our lives and our happiness on pause because we’re waiting for the fairy tale…I’ll end my woman’s lib soap box there for now…

But I read a blog yesterday morning on Lone Prairie that spoke to this issue to a degree. It speaks to the idea of singles really learning to accept singleness as a calling and not accepting society’s status quo that men and marriage are the only path to fulfillment. I know, haven’t we heard that one before. But this article put a slightly different spin on the issue that got me to thinking. Here’s an exerpt that really spoke to me:

Why would God ask us to be single, and, seemingly, in increasing numbers these days? If you’re a last-days believer, you might think God wants more people focused on his work than raising families. I won’t berate that theory at all, frankly. Perhaps the church needed some adjustment from their idolatry of the family — and yes, it has a problem with that. If you have a family, you will not see the problem. Perhaps people are finally breaking free from culturalized Christianity of the past that caused people to marry who really shouldn’t have. What would the face of Christianity look like if a large number of its followers weren’t fettered down with children, responsibilities, and jobs? We don’t really know, but I think we will.

God is asking people to come to a place of truly accepting being single. Not for pity, not for something they lack, not because of how they were or weren’t made, not because of who they aren’t, but because of who they are. If we could shrug off this push for marriage, there are some people struggling in life that could be set free to have a purpose in the body of Christ instead of feeling second class…

Could it be that Paul was on to something when he said it would be good for us to remain single as he did? Could it be that in these last days God has so much more for us singles than we could ever imagine? I used to think that whole “it’s good to be single because you can spend that much more time serving the Lord and fulfilling your purpose” was a bunch of bullcrap, a means to put salve on the wound to a hurting soul. But the more I think about it, the older I get, I’m starting to think maybe, maybe just maybe there’s some validity there. Maybe, just maybe our lives don’t necessarily become more happy and full when we get married. Maybe we’ve bought the lie that that’s the most important thing. Right now I am working two jobs, making this film, editing someone else’s film, and helping out with a new church plant. I live a very full life that keeps me busy, but there is no way in the world I could do all this if I had to then come home and worry about taking care of a house, a husband and some kids.

What would you do if you were faced with the possibility that you will never get married? Does that idea freak you out?  That kind of view is very counter-cultural. A tough pill to swallow…maybe just chew on it for a minute like I had to. Our society has put marriage and relationships on such a pedastal that sometimes it’s easy for us singles to lose a positive sense of self. I can only pray that Hollywood will someday realize that there’s more to life…And maybe that’s why it’s time for “Something Worth Waiting For” to be made. I’ll end there so I don’t give too much of the movie away…

But Hollywood, take note……

Lights!…Camera!…….

Well, here we are 6 days away from shooting the promo for “Something Worth Waiting For” and I am super excited! WOO HOO!!! Just wanted to check in and let you all know that things are coming along nicely. I am so thankful to be working with some amazingly talented people on this project and I cannot wait to see what will happen with this film and where it will go. Please keep us in prayer over the next few days as we tighten up the loose ends on pre-production. This promotional video is just the beginning of the next phase of seeing this feature film come to fruition. We will continually be looking for your prayers and your support as we continue the daunting task of finding investors to fund this project. I truly believe within my heart of hearts that this is a film that needs to be made and a story that needs to be told. Even though the film is ultimately a comedy, I still feel it has a strong message that people in general, but especially singles, need to hear: that there is a place for us in this world and that there is forgiveness at the cross regardless of our past. And as a single woman myself who hasn’t always done the right things, that’s music to my ears…

Please stay tuned for this journey……it’s gonna be a lovely ride!!

“All the Single Ladies….” — Turn Your Head

So this past weekend I attended my church’s annual single’s retreat. This was my fourth time attending this retreat and I’m never disappointed. This year’s theme was “Dateability.” Interesting topic–I mean, God forbid the church should actually TALK about the elephant in the room. Even though this year I went as a a staff volunteer and not as a normal attendee, I still expected to come back with some great fuel for why this movie is needed, or at the very least for why singles need more avenues to talk openly and honestly about…stuff…

Well, the trip did not disappoint. I discovered that I’m not the only single person who gets a little perturbed that brothers in the church suddenly have to become ghost once they “put a ring on it” and tie the knot. I’m talking about these rules that people (mainly Christian men) have about not associating with single women–not being alone in a room with them, not corresponding via email, not talking on the phone with them–as though we’ve got the plague. Or as though we’re the ones to blame for their potentially lustful eyes. Now, don’t get me wrong. Please hear me on this and please read the post all the way through. I know that there are some trifling women out there who will go after married men, but I am not that woman. Once I see a ring on a man’s finger he is off limits. I don’t play that. But I get it, not every woman has that same moral code. However, here are my problems with those rules…

First of all, while I have heard of married men taking precautions against impending temptations (which they rightfully should), I have never seen it at this level until I moved down here to the South. I was once producing an event and needed to email one of the participants about the program and he emailed me back saying that he needed to ‘cc his wife on all of our correspondence to guard against any temptations. My internal response was “Um, excuse me buddy, but I’m just not that into you,” and even if I was and if I was that type of woman that would come on to another woman’s husband, I think I’d just find another way to get at you.

Second of all, these rules have made me more uncomfortable around married men than I ever have been before. Not uncomfortable in an “I’m attracted to you” kind of way. But just uncomfortable because I feel paranoid, wondering if they or their wives are looking at me like I’m some kind of danger to their marriage for the mere fact that I’m single. While before I felt like it was completely normal to have a conversation with a brother in Christ who might happen to be married, I’m now in my head all the time, even with brothers I serve with in ministry–Am I talking to him to0 long? Should I call him to ask him about this ministry question? Is it ok to send him an email? If he comes into the room should I run out? I’m not trying to get with the guy, I just want to let him know to meet at the chu’ch house at 7!

Thirdly–and this is a big one for me–I feel like these rules sometimes keep us single women from having godly mentors, from having BROTHERS who will look out for us. I mean, what if I just wanted a real brother to look out for me, to mentor me, heck, to introduce me to some of his guy friends? What if I wanted to have coffee and hear from a happily married man what it’s like to have a happy marriage, or get some advice about how I can be a better companion to someone else in the future? I grew up in a house full of girls. I think it’s a good thing to have men around who are not trying to get with you, not trying to take advantage of you, who can speak truth into your life. Not all of us single ladies are out to be home wreckers. We’re not tryna be the next Hester Prynne. We just want some guidance and fellowship with real men sometimes.

I’ve had this conversation with a number of my female friends, including my fabulous roommate this past weekend at the retreat. As I said before, I get why people do these things, but I’m just venting my frustrations and looking at it from the other side of the coin. And I know what the other response will be–what starts out as friendly conversation can turn into something else down the road. Well, true, but that can happen anytime and with anyone. Alls I’m saying is that some people just want to send a simple email to let you know what time to show up, or just want a listening ear. Nothing more, nothing less….