So this past weekend I attended my church’s annual single’s retreat. This was my fourth time attending this retreat and I’m never disappointed. This year’s theme was “Dateability.” Interesting topic–I mean, God forbid the church should actually TALK about the elephant in the room. Even though this year I went as a a staff volunteer and not as a normal attendee, I still expected to come back with some great fuel for why this movie is needed, or at the very least for why singles need more avenues to talk openly and honestly about…stuff…
Well, the trip did not disappoint. I discovered that I’m not the only single person who gets a little perturbed that brothers in the church suddenly have to become ghost once they “put a ring on it” and tie the knot. I’m talking about these rules that people (mainly Christian men) have about not associating with single women–not being alone in a room with them, not corresponding via email, not talking on the phone with them–as though we’ve got the plague. Or as though we’re the ones to blame for their potentially lustful eyes. Now, don’t get me wrong. Please hear me on this and please read the post all the way through. I know that there are some trifling women out there who will go after married men, but I am not that woman. Once I see a ring on a man’s finger he is off limits. I don’t play that. But I get it, not every woman has that same moral code. However, here are my problems with those rules…
First of all, while I have heard of married men taking precautions against impending temptations (which they rightfully should), I have never seen it at this level until I moved down here to the South. I was once producing an event and needed to email one of the participants about the program and he emailed me back saying that he needed to ‘cc his wife on all of our correspondence to guard against any temptations. My internal response was “Um, excuse me buddy, but I’m just not that into you,” and even if I was and if I was that type of woman that would come on to another woman’s husband, I think I’d just find another way to get at you.
Second of all, these rules have made me more uncomfortable around married men than I ever have been before. Not uncomfortable in an “I’m attracted to you” kind of way. But just uncomfortable because I feel paranoid, wondering if they or their wives are looking at me like I’m some kind of danger to their marriage for the mere fact that I’m single. While before I felt like it was completely normal to have a conversation with a brother in Christ who might happen to be married, I’m now in my head all the time, even with brothers I serve with in ministry–Am I talking to him to0 long? Should I call him to ask him about this ministry question? Is it ok to send him an email? If he comes into the room should I run out? I’m not trying to get with the guy, I just want to let him know to meet at the chu’ch house at 7!
Thirdly–and this is a big one for me–I feel like these rules sometimes keep us single women from having godly mentors, from having BROTHERS who will look out for us. I mean, what if I just wanted a real brother to look out for me, to mentor me, heck, to introduce me to some of his guy friends? What if I wanted to have coffee and hear from a happily married man what it’s like to have a happy marriage, or get some advice about how I can be a better companion to someone else in the future? I grew up in a house full of girls. I think it’s a good thing to have men around who are not trying to get with you, not trying to take advantage of you, who can speak truth into your life. Not all of us single ladies are out to be home wreckers. We’re not tryna be the next Hester Prynne. We just want some guidance and fellowship with real men sometimes.
I’ve had this conversation with a number of my female friends, including my fabulous roommate this past weekend at the retreat. As I said before, I get why people do these things, but I’m just venting my frustrations and looking at it from the other side of the coin. And I know what the other response will be–what starts out as friendly conversation can turn into something else down the road. Well, true, but that can happen anytime and with anyone. Alls I’m saying is that some people just want to send a simple email to let you know what time to show up, or just want a listening ear. Nothing more, nothing less….